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Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Hello Leonie,

Been thinking about my problems and writing in to you for ages now. Yes, what is my problems?

My problems are how hard I try with determined mind I am not finding happiness.

Things happen badly to me all the time. One thing is coming okay and then another thing takes the place of the last problem.

Been happening for years and I am now 36 years old. I live with my bother and his wife and they have wonderful beautiful children but I myself am not finding love. I get knocked down in my work and knocked down in my love romance. I get am very much upside of sad all the time even for months after the end of big bad romance.

I want to find happiness and now is very late for children, but I still can have them when I find the right guy. I want to start being happiness and my boss says that I need to be bouncing back from hard ships but they don’t understand because for them life is very good.

How can I bounce and do better more quickly when my heart is always low?

No name please. Thankyou/ Redcliffe

Over the years, I have written lots of articles regarding building resilience in children, but the truth is resilience is a life skill that adults also need to master to manage life’s adversities.

We may hear stories about those rare unicorns of people who fall in love with and marry their high school sweethearts and have great jobs, great kids, great in-laws and friends and lots of luck but they are as rare as, well unicorns.

Most people will cope with the challenges that life throws at us and every individual will have an individual response and time line for recovery. However, most people can gradually recover and get on with life.

Part of being resilient and bouncing back as you say, is to learn from our adversities. So, if you are having one failed relationship after another, I would ask you to look back and try to see if there are any patterns or commonalities in either your behaviours or theirs. For example, if you get too invested too quickly or you expect too much too soon, you can see there is a need for you to address this behaviours because it is simply not working for you. Likewise, if your love interests tend to be good time guys, control freaks, or very jealous, you should make sure you avoid men with these traits in the future.

Life is full of challenges and disappointments and being resilient does not mean that you avoid all the difficulties that life has to offer. It means coping with the adversity, adapting to your new situation whilst reducing the chance of the same issue recurring in the future. 

Learning to be more resilient also means developing your personal skills.

These skills include:

  • Developing a positive attitude towards yourself and others and accepting that the universe is not picking on you in particular and that everyone faces challenges
  • Learning to self-regulate and manage your emotions
  • Learning to be solution focused by working logically and proactively on your problems
  • Developing communication skills and support systems with friends and family
  • Making short- and long-term goals for yourself

I hope these are ideas that you will put into practice in the future. I believe that we must take the steering wheel of our own lives instead of just hoping for the best.

Of course, we can’t change other people or their behaviours, but we can change who we allow into our lives.

My advice is to start being very particular about your choice of friends and love candidates and start demanding better choices from yourself.

I hope you have found some help here

Till next week
Leonie

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE

Conversations with Leonie: Curse of Living in the Mean Time

Conversations with Leonie: Curse of Living in the Mean Time

Conversations with Leonie: Curse of Living in the Mean Time

Hi Leonie,

I am at a very unsettled time in my life at the moment.

My marriage ended early last year and the settlement has been done but I am still sad but not as heartbroken as I was. I have a 2 year old boy. I plan to start studying when he starts prep because I want to eventually have my own career. I have made lots of goals for the future but I don’t have much money. I know that I need to take better care of myself and one of my future goals is to lose about 30 kilos. I know that I will feel better when I lose some weight, meet some new people and start a new career.

I am very lonely and plan to make friends when I get my weight under control. I can’t wait to get my career so that I can buy and own my own home. I am on Centrelink payments and my Mum helps out where she can.

I just feel stuck as one day becomes the next and each day seems to be pretty much the same. I feel down a lot of the time and wonder when things will get easier.

You always seem to suggest such great strategies, do you have any that someone in my situation could use.

Please don’t publish my name as I don’t want people to know how unhappy I am.

Single Mum/Deception Bay


Hi Single Mum,

When reading your email, I am hearing a lot of “when I’s” for example, “When I lose weight…….”, “When my son starts Prep…..”, “When I meet new people and have a career…..”

I call this the “Curse of living in the Mean Time”. While you are waiting for life to begin, you are stuck in a place called the Mean Time. Some people spend years in The Mean Time. It’s like a kind of suspended animation where you put your life on ice til things getter better. You ask if I have some strategies for someone in your situation and I will tell you as a very solution focused counsellor that the biggest strategy in this situation is to start living in the NOW. What can you do to make your dreams a reality right now? What steps can you take to move towards the life you want now?

Here are some things that you might choose to do NOW. See Centrelink and find out what courses or grants you are entitled to such as New Start or Job Start. Why wait till your son starts Prep to begin study? Doesn’t it make more sense to get started now while you have support from your mother and the Government?

Start your weight loss journey NOW. Get a check up, join a weight loss club and start exercising NOW. The strategy of setting small goals as well as long term goals will help you get a sense of achievement and keep you motivated to keep going. One goal might be to lose 10% of your weight by the time the Exhibition comes in August. Or your short term goal might be something as simple as one kilo a fortnight. Study and weight loss groups will also offer you a chance to make new friends and reduce your sense of loneliness.

Perhaps you could visit a counsellor and go through some career analyses to help you decide what type of vocation suits your interests and your skills. You could research your entitlements with Centrelink from there. Libraries are free so start learning about good nutrition, exercise and your chosen vocation now.

If you want a makeover, approach some hairdressing colleges and look at getting some treatments, haircuts and ideas from students. You can also find some great gear from Opportunity shops and I have helped clients put together some great work and uni outfits using these outlets.

So to sum up, I would encourage you to start living NOW instead of living in the MEAN TIME. The sense of excitement, achievement and pride that comes from being proactive in securing the future that you want for yourself and your child will be very different to the feeling of despair that you currently describe.

Til next week
Leonie Schilling

 

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE