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Conversations with Leonie: Addressing Anger

Conversations with Leonie: Addressing Anger

Conversations with Leonie: Addressing Anger

Hi Ms Schilling,

Been thinking about writing for some time now. I come from a pretty dysfunctional family. I don’t cope all that well with stress and find I’m quite an upset and isolated person. I have been told I have anger issues and this week my father has said that they are going away this Christmas to avoid another family get together blow up. Another thing if I’m honest, my work has become more and more toxic which has made me more and more angry and upset. The thing is I am not a person with violent outbursts or someone who has steroid rage. I have been given a written warning at work but every other nut job can go off and nothing is said.

I certainly don’t want to go to twee anger management workshops and I don’t want to be told what to feel. I see everyone else and all their issues and wonder why I am being singled out as the ‘Hot Head’. I’ve tried the stress relief stuff like running but now I have shin splints. I have tried meditation but can’t focus. I feel angry that I can’t just be angry. Mum and Dad pulling the plug on Christmas has really upset me. I feel as though they are distancing themselves from me and I rarely see them as it is. My brother and sisters are no angels and we do clash but I’m not one to just smile and swallow their rubbish. I should be allowed to feel what I feel, and we have emotions for a reason surely. And if I bottle up my anger, wont it make me sick? I’m willing to listen and learn but please don’t tell me not to be me.

Tash/Woodside

Hi Tash,

Let me come at this from a different angle: when I have clients, who are drinking too much and their relationships at home, socially and at work are suffering and they say some version of “It’s not like I’m an alcoholic. I don’t have a drinking problem” I point out that if their drinking is affecting others, themselves and or their ability to earn a living, they do indeed have a drinking problem. The message I am getting from you is that your anger is indeed affecting your relationships and your work environment and this being the case, you need to accept that you do have an anger management problem.

You have mentioned that you need to let your anger out to stop being sick. The truth is that you need to find a way to constructively manage your emotions so that you don’t get sick. Bottom line: people can’t afford to be angry. We have known for years that ongoing prolonged anger compromises health. There are chemical changes that occur in the body when we get angry and its not pretty. High blood pressure, cardiovascular and other issues such as a compromised immune system (which we rely on to fight disease) can be linked to unmanaged anger. Stress hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline are released and these hormones are great to get you out of a dangerous situation, but they are detrimental if they are a constant in your body. Anger is bad for us and has a negative effect on our bodies, but the good news is that if we modify the way we process information, the way we deal with thoughts and the way we talk to ourselves, we can manage anger in a more productive and healthy way. This means that those with anger issues can enjoy better and more rewarding relationships with others. There is no doubt in my mind that unmanaged anger can cause the perpetrator to become isolated as you say you are. Healthy people won’t tolerate abuse or behaviours that make them feel threatened and so they rightly remove themselves.

Ask yourself,  “Is this what you want your life to look like?”

You don’t have to go to workshops to mange anger but rather I suggest personal counselling to show you how to recognise your triggers, change your thinking and internal dialogue to a healthier narrative and gain power over your anger. You say that this issue has been going on for some time now so perhaps its time for you to stop repeating the negative loops that are so affecting your personal and professional relationships and try something different.

Remember that if nothing changes then nothing changes.

Til next week
Leonie

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE

Imposter Syndrome – Radio 99.7FM

Imposter Syndrome – Radio 99.7FM

Imposter Syndrome – Radio 99.7FM

Below is the recording from Leonie’s radio programme “One The Couch With Leonie” on 99.7 Bridge FM, every second Monday at 11.10am.

On this week’s program, Leonie talks about Impostor Syndrome. Impostor Syndrome is a condition where there is an identifiable pattern of the subject believing that they are not worthy of their accomplishments. There is often a prevailing fear of being “found out” and everyone realising that they are, in fact, a fraud.

Both men and women can suffer from Impostor Syndrome although it has been reported that it is more common in women. The very nature of Impostor Syndrome and the fear of being “found out” can stop a person seeking help. The same can be said for the feeling of isolation that those with this issue can feel. Because people feel like frauds and dread being exposed, they don’t see that it is a very common condition.

There are some sources that actually say that fools, idiots and actual frauds never experience Impostor Syndrome.

 

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE

Conversations with Leonie: Presenting Yourself to the World

Conversations with Leonie: Presenting Yourself to the World

Conversations with Leonie: Presenting Yourself to the World

Hello Leonie,

My name is Tammie. I am studying as a mature aged student and working at the same time. I am applying for better jobs and whilst I can normally get the interview, I obviously don’t do well in the real time tests or they just don’t like me and always get a thanks but no thanks.

I asked for feedback a couple of times and was told that I didn’t ‘Fit in’ or was out performed by other candidates and one woman told me that I needed to look more polished as I would have been very visible to the public.

I do lack confidence and I find putting outfits together very hard as I am on a budget as all students are. I don’t see how dressing up can make any difference at all. I am clean and tidy and always iron clothes and so on.

My brother says clothes make the person but really this stick in my throat because I am the person who ‘shows up’ in every way. I am a hard worker, I don’t take sickies, I arrive early and stay late.

My brother is a pharmacist and he tells me that clothes can make people respect you more and can he says help you do better in practical tasks and tests. I don’t want to spend heaps on a makeover to get the approval of others.

So, I read your articles all the time and I’m asking you. Can this really be true? Can clothes and a makeover really help me get a good job?

Thanks for your column
Tammie/Narangba East

Hi Tammie,

My answer is a resounding yes. Firstly, if you dress well people treat you better. This is not some great and new astounding news. It’s always been the case. Power dressing is nothing new. Successful people know that you need to look like you are an achiever even before you achieve anything. There is also strong evidence that the way you groom yourself and how you dress can affect whether people listen to anything you have to say or if they treat your thoughts and opinions dismissively.

Research carried out at the National Research Council of Canada resulted in clear evidence that how we present ourselves strongly dictates how others interpret our trustworthiness, our IQ, or financial position and whether we should be advanced in our chosen vocations.

As you are a student, it is also worth sharing with you some surprising news about how our choice of clothes can affect how we do on tests. The New York Times coined this behavour “Enclothed Cognition”  In this study about paying attention, they gave examinees a white coat to wear and told them that it was a painter’s coat. The test group who wore what they thought was a painter’s coat demonstrated an improvement that was slight at best. They then gave the same group an identical white coat and told them it was a doctor’s coat and all participants did markedly better on the test. This test also looked at whether it was the presence of the white coat that made the improvement in performance or if the students had to be wearing the white coat, and the research found that the students had to be wearing the white coat. So, the clothes must be worn, and the subject must have an understanding of what the coat represents. I.e. Painter or Doctors coat. I haven’t found one single article on why we humans can perform better just by changing our perception, but I can find plenty of evidence that definitely does.

Additionally, there is strong evidence that how we dress, affects or confidence and our attitude. So, I would encourage you to listen to your brother. I would never encourage you to be phoney, put on an act or change who you are but I feel that if you want to be successful, you would benefit from thinking about your audience which is who you are meeting, the occasion you are attending and what the culture of the firm or organisation is.

You don’t have to spend a fortune to look good. Opportunity shops are very aware of only stocking clothes that are in good condition and we have some great ones here on the Peninsula. People don’t just discard clothes because they are ruined or out of fashion. Often, it’s because they no longer fit or they have acquired new purchases and want a change.

I hope this has given you food for thought.

Til next week
Leonie

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE

Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Conversations with Leonie: Learning to be more Resiliant

Hello Leonie,

Been thinking about my problems and writing in to you for ages now. Yes, what is my problems?

My problems are how hard I try with determined mind I am not finding happiness.

Things happen badly to me all the time. One thing is coming okay and then another thing takes the place of the last problem.

Been happening for years and I am now 36 years old. I live with my bother and his wife and they have wonderful beautiful children but I myself am not finding love. I get knocked down in my work and knocked down in my love romance. I get am very much upside of sad all the time even for months after the end of big bad romance.

I want to find happiness and now is very late for children, but I still can have them when I find the right guy. I want to start being happiness and my boss says that I need to be bouncing back from hard ships but they don’t understand because for them life is very good.

How can I bounce and do better more quickly when my heart is always low?

No name please. Thankyou/ Redcliffe

Over the years, I have written lots of articles regarding building resilience in children, but the truth is resilience is a life skill that adults also need to master to manage life’s adversities.

We may hear stories about those rare unicorns of people who fall in love with and marry their high school sweethearts and have great jobs, great kids, great in-laws and friends and lots of luck but they are as rare as, well unicorns.

Most people will cope with the challenges that life throws at us and every individual will have an individual response and time line for recovery. However, most people can gradually recover and get on with life.

Part of being resilient and bouncing back as you say, is to learn from our adversities. So, if you are having one failed relationship after another, I would ask you to look back and try to see if there are any patterns or commonalities in either your behaviours or theirs. For example, if you get too invested too quickly or you expect too much too soon, you can see there is a need for you to address this behaviours because it is simply not working for you. Likewise, if your love interests tend to be good time guys, control freaks, or very jealous, you should make sure you avoid men with these traits in the future.

Life is full of challenges and disappointments and being resilient does not mean that you avoid all the difficulties that life has to offer. It means coping with the adversity, adapting to your new situation whilst reducing the chance of the same issue recurring in the future. 

Learning to be more resilient also means developing your personal skills.

These skills include:

  • Developing a positive attitude towards yourself and others and accepting that the universe is not picking on you in particular and that everyone faces challenges
  • Learning to self-regulate and manage your emotions
  • Learning to be solution focused by working logically and proactively on your problems
  • Developing communication skills and support systems with friends and family
  • Making short- and long-term goals for yourself

I hope these are ideas that you will put into practice in the future. I believe that we must take the steering wheel of our own lives instead of just hoping for the best.

Of course, we can’t change other people or their behaviours, but we can change who we allow into our lives.

My advice is to start being very particular about your choice of friends and love candidates and start demanding better choices from yourself.

I hope you have found some help here

Till next week
Leonie

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE

Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships – Radio 99.7FM

Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships – Radio 99.7FM

Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships – Radio 99.7FM

Below is the recording from Leonie’s radio programme “One The Couch With Leonie” on 99.7 Bridge FM, every second Monday at 11.10am.

Gaslighting is often experienced in romantic relationships. The psychological manipulation may include making the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser may invalidate the victim’s experiences using dismissive language: “You’re crazy. Don’t be so sensitive. Don’t be paranoid. I was just joking! … I’m worried; I think you’re not well.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

 

Leonie Schilling

Leonie Schilling

Counsellor | Author | Columnist | Radio Commentator | Trainer | Mediator

Leonie is a Qualified Counsellor, Trainer, Mediator and Early childhood Educator who is also a Justice of the Peace.

Specialising in Relationship Counselling, Personal Counselling and Employment Coaching.

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

Relationship INTENSIVE CARE

by Leonie Schilling

A Practical Guide to Saving and Maintaining Your Relationship.

This book is a must have for people looking for a practical and easy to understand plan to repair their relationship.

BUY ONLINE